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BILKO
27-11-05, 12:46 PM
I,ll appolagise in advance for thesehttp://cdn-cf.aol.com/se/smi/0201d246b5/01.

2 whales were swimming in the ocean when one spots a small boat with 2 seaman in it fishing... he says to the other whale lets have some fun and blow our spouts on them and get them wet, the other whale says why not it's been a boring day, so they get up under the boat and blow their spouts so hard that the boat tips over and the 2 seaman go into the water.. well the 1st whale says to the other , I have not had lunch why don't we just eat them.. the 2nd whale says no way in hell*** I don't mind giving a blow job but no way in hell am I swallowing any seaman..

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Vanilla Pudding Robber
This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which
appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at > disabling
the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who > expected
to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were
surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found
only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At > least
we'll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but
vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.

Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the
robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy,
uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...
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A drunk staggers into a Catholic church, and sits down in a confessional and closes the door. He doesnt say a word.
The priest on the other side of the curtain clears his throat thrre times, to let the drunk know that the priest IS in.
Still, the drunk doesnt say a word.
The priest then kicks at the wall, again to let the drunk know that the priest IS in.


Upon hearing the kicking, the drunk says: " Dont bother making any more noise to get my attention. There isnt any paper over here either."
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What is the difference between a woman yelling at you from the front porch and a dog barking at you from the back porch?

If you let them both in the dog will shut up.
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So a guy is selling door to door.

The door opens and a little boy is there. "Is your Mommy home, son?" asks the guy.

"No. I'm sorry. She's in prison for prostitution.", says the kid

A little surprised, "How about your dad? Is he home?", asks the guy

"Oh he's dead. He got shot in a bank robbery attempt".

(even more surprised) "Well do you have any brothers and sisters I could talk with?"

"Well I have a brother and sister. My sister is in a de-tox hospital and my brother is at Harvard".

(hmmmm..thinking to himself. Mom is a hooker, dad is a dead bank robber and sister is an addict but brother is at Harvard). "Son, now knowing what you've told me about your family, how'd your brother get to Harvard?"

"In a jar", says the boy.
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Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different
vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left
the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the
wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher
on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and
then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons
left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot
and started to drive slowly down the street. The police officer,
having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol
car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and
carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the
man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany
me to the Police Station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
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Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, before he
goes

out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The Artificial Insemination
man

is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the

two-by-four above the cow's stall. You show him where it is, okay?"

So the farmer leaves for the fields, and a while later, The Artificial

Insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the long row of cows until
she

sees the nail, and tells him, "This is the one. This one right here!"

Terribly impressed by what seemed to be such a dizzy blonde, the man
asks,

"How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"By the nail over it's stall," Amy explains.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

I guess it's to hang your pants on."

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Bubba died in a fire and was burned pretty bad. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were called for. Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Daryl looked and said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange and he was pretty sure of the body's identity.

Gomer was then brought in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said,
"Yup, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew about it, too. Every time we went to town, folks would say,
'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
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BILKO
27-11-05, 12:50 PM
The teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little JOHNNY. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little JOHNNY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.! The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting
off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little JOHNNY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."
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A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."
The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek says "We had great Mathematicians."
The Italian says "We had the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on and then the Greek Says: "We invented sex."

The Italian says "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
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A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
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What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a Harley?






The placement of the dirt bag.
_________

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the
future?

A. He buys two cases of beer.
_______

A Polish immigrant goes to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. He has to take an eye sight test. The examiner shows him a card with the letters:

C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the examiner asks.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy."
_____

Q. What is the difference between men and government
bonds?

A. The bonds mature.
______

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy
leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over
there by the wall?"

The clerk goes, "Well, he came in here this morning to
get something for his cough. I couldn't find the
cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner goes, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough
with a bottle of laxatives!"

The clerk goes, "Of course you can! Look at him -- he's afraid to cough!"
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A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only
$150.

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
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A Cajun fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife: Y'know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station, Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole. Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.

From now on, when I says 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked. When I says 'Bell two' you jump on de bed. When I says 'Bell tree' we's gonna mek love all tru de night.

The next night he came home and shouted 'Bell One' and she stripped naked. 'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed. 'Bell Tree' and they started to make love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled out 'Bell Four'. What de he** is 'Bell Four'? he asked. She replied : Roll out more hose, you ain't nowhere near de fire.
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An 85-year-old Florida man went to his doctor's office and while there the Doctor asked for a sperm count.

The doctor grabbed a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this -First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing."


The doctor was shocked! "Dear God, man... you asked your neighbor?

"Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."
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Farmer Joe was suing for injuries sustained in an accident.

In court, the insurance company's lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the
lawyer

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"

Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."


The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now, several months after the accident, he has changed his story. He is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

"I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and couldn't even move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

"Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her first. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.



Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. "He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

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gareth08
27-11-05, 03:27 PM
Didn't fancy the cold then today Luke.:D