View Full Version : Peter Kay one liners

08-01-06, 08:44 PM
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on
it. I said,
"Thyroid problem?"

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a
new bike. Then I realised, God doesn't work that
way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't
get my wife to go swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step
ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any
time'. So I ordered French toast during the

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of
different names but one day I turned to my bullies
and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but
names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there
on it was sticks and stones all the way

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire',
which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire

Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a
good partner, you'd better have a good hand

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My
neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No,
Six should be enough'

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are
they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get
all nervous and give the wrong answers

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Peter Kay's questions;

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you
get undressed?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all
the way down to the core of the earth?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth

Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling
your a*se?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first
thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob,
and I am an alcoholic'?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through
mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the
toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,
'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and
drink whatever comes out'?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for
the time, but don't point to their crotch when they
ask where the bathroom is?

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why is a person that handles your money called a

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is
made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are
over a billion stars in the universe, you believe
them, but if they tell you there is wet paint
somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's
face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a
car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

09-01-06, 10:35 AM
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,
'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and
drink whatever comes out'?

wonder if he also tried it with a bull :D , yuck.

09-01-06, 10:46 AM
Don't wanna lower the tone but who were the first people to have oral sex!!!!!!