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Dutch Paul
12-12-02, 08:23 PM
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..." As Justin had his mind firmly set on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to
them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house.

As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked. "

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian!"

robert
12-12-02, 08:52 PM
A Dog Named Sex

Everybody who has a dog calls him “Rover” or “Boy”. I call mine Sex. Sex has been embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his licence, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex; he said he would like one too.

Then I said, “But this is a dog.” He said he Didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said, “You don’t understand. I have had Sex since I was 9 years old.” He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.

He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, “You don’t understand, Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Me too.”

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away and a contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own tickets. “But you don’t understand, “ I said, “I hoped to have Sex on TV.” He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.

I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married.” The judge said, “Me too.” Then I told him that after I was separated, Sex left me. He said “Me too.”

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked me, “What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning.” I said, “ I am looking for Sex.” My case comes up on Friday.



Robert
UK CRC Forum Admin

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robert
12-12-02, 08:53 PM
Barbie's Nasty Christmas Letter To Santa

Dear Santa:

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here by next Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list:



1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweat shirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A jogging bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec.



8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years. I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie




Robert
UK CRC Forum Admin

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dave
12-12-02, 08:54 PM
:7 :7 :7 :7

VinceGledhill
13-12-02, 12:48 PM
Paul McCartney's bought his wife a plane for christmas.










She will use immac on the other leg.

simon finlay
13-12-02, 04:56 PM
The three wise men turn up at the mainger. The first one enters and lays down his gift, the second one enters and presents his gift, as the third one enters he smacks his head on a beam, 'Jesus Christ' he shouts out to which Mary replys ' I like that, it's a better name than Kevin'


Christmas greetings, Simon

whitty121
13-12-02, 06:52 PM
Due to increasing product liability litigation, American liquor
manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following
Warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make the bathroom floor seem like a cozy place to sleep.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol make the toilet bowl look like the Messiah

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make the complete stranger next to you look like a confessional booth.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something uglier than a mud fence.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns/tile patterns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.



;-) ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-) ;-)

whitty121
13-12-02, 06:57 PM
An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff.

He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.

He finally decided that whichever one used the water cooler first in the morning would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night.

She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied: "Could you jack off? I feel like crap."

Kelvin
15-12-02, 10:17 AM
Sorry couldn't resist it

TALE OF A BMW DRIVER

The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn't Believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway (the driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.)!

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane (why do underlings use this lane? Surely everyone knows it is for BMW drivers only?).

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 176 km/h enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 120 km/h. Naturally, I got to within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to go to court and show them. The man also said if I carried on like this they would take my drivers licence away! Can you imagine no need for a drivers licence?

See, now THAT's the sort of respect you get when you buy and drive a BMW!


Kelvin

Dan
16-12-02, 01:27 PM
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!", says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again.

"Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day.

"Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", says Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners



Dan ~ http://homepage.ntlworld.com/danny.mann/

Dutch Paul
21-12-02, 09:46 AM
Three guys kick the bucket on Christmas Eve and ascend to heaven where they are met by St. Peter. "In honour of the season", St. Peter says to them, "Before I let you pass through the pearly gates, you must each give me something that represents Christmas."

The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks them on. "What do they represent?" St. Peter asks him. "They're candles!" "Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!"

The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a couple sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes them. "What do they represent?" St. Peter asks. "They're bells!" "Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!"

The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets, finally pulling out a skimpy pair of silky women's knickers. He holds them up proudly. "What do they represent?" St. Peter asks, looking a bit puzzled. "They're Carol's!"

Dutch Paul
21-12-02, 09:49 AM
A few days after Christmas, a mother working in her kitchen was listening to her little Johnny playing with his new electric train in the adjoining room. She heard the train stop and the son said, "All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off right now, 'cause this is the last stop... and all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the god dam train 'cause we're leaving."

The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours and think about what you said, and when you come out you may play with your train again, but I want you to use much nicer language. Two hours later, the son came out of his bedroom and resumed playing with the train. Soon the train stopped and mother heard her son say, "All passengers, who are disembarking, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. Thank you for riding with us today and we hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat. Remember please that there is no smoking except in the Club Car. We hope you will have a pleasant relaxing journey with us today. For those of you who are pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the ugly stinkin' bitch in the kitchen!"

Stopmeandbuy1
21-12-02, 02:31 PM
:D

graham
21-12-02, 07:34 PM
Dawn French has been caught smuggling drugs. Customs Officials say 'she bent over & they saw 50 kilos of crack' !!!!

GM

Dutch Paul
21-12-02, 08:16 PM
:-)

Dutch Paul
22-12-02, 09:25 AM
Slightly cobra related

Just a thought

Paul

Kelvin
22-12-02, 10:30 PM
Three guys kick the bucket on Christmas Eve and ascend to heaven where they are met by St. Peter. "In honour of the season", St. Peter says to them, "Before I let you pass through the pearly gates, you must each give me something that represents Christmas."

The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks them on. "What do they represent?" St. Peter asks him. "They're candles!" "Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!"

The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a couple sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes them. "What do they represent?" St. Peter asks. "They're bells!" "Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!"

The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets, finally pulling out a skimpy pair of silky women's knickers. He holds them up proudly. "What do they represent?" St. Peter asks, looking a bit puzzled. "They're Carol's!"


Kelvin GD 383 stroker.

Kelvin
22-12-02, 10:33 PM
Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the door bell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree, fat man?"

And that my friends is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree!


Kelvin GD 383 stroker.

Dutch Paul
22-12-02, 10:50 PM
see reply #10 above

Just a thought

Paul

Kelvin
22-12-02, 11:03 PM
:) :) damn :) :)

Must be from orsm then :)

Kelvin GD 383 stroker.

Dutch Paul
22-12-02, 11:21 PM
Must be from orsm then :)

Yep

Just a thought

Paul

the rock doc
23-12-02, 10:26 AM
What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?
Tarzipan !

Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas ?
No you can have turkey like everyone else !

What did the eskimos sing when they got there Christmas dinner ?
"Whalemeat again, don't know where, don't know when " !

What did the big cracker say to the little cracker ?
My pop is bigger than yours !

Who is never hungry at Christmas ?
The turkey - he's always stuffed !

What bird has wings but cannot fly ?
Roast turkey !

Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake ?
Your teeth !

We had grandma for Christmas dinner ?
Really, we had turkey !

Whats happens if you eat the Christmas decorations ?
You get tinsel-itus !

What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ?
Grave-y !

Mother bought a huge turkey for Christmas dinner.
'That must have cost a fortune!' I said .
'Actually I got it for a poultry amount,' she said.

A man went to a butcher's and saw that the turkeys were 90p a pound.
He said to the butcher, 'Do you raise them yourself?'
'Of course I do,' the butcher replied. 'They were only 50p a pound this morning!'

How do you tell the difference between tinned turkey and tinned custard?
Look at the labels!

Did you hear about the stupid turkey?
It was looking forward to Christmas!

Who made this Christmas pudding?
Our chef. He's a little green man who lives in a toadstool.
What did he use to make it?
Elf-raising flour, of course.

Last year's Christmas pudding was so awful I threw it in the ocean.
That's probably why the ocean's full of currants!

I'd like Father Christmas stew.
Er... how do you make Father Christmas stew?
You keep him waiting half an hour!

Is that policeman eating turkey?
No, he's eating truncheon meat.

This turkey's disgusting!
Well, you asked for a foul roast!

This turkey tastes like an old settee.
Well, you asked for something with plenty of stuffing.
x( x( x( x( x( x(

the rock doc
23-12-02, 01:04 PM
One time Santa Claus was out deliverng presents on Christmas morning, when he came to the house of a beautiful young woman. He slid down the chimney, and there she was waiting for him in her best bathrobe.

"Merry Christmas, my dear," he said, "have you been a good girl all year?"
"I certainly have!" she replied. So he put all her presents under the tree and said "Well, see you next year!"

"But Santa," she said, "won't you stay with me for a little while?"
"That's very sweet of you dear," said Santa Clause, "but I've got alot of present's to deliver and I really have to be going."
"But Santa," she said, "I've been waiting for you all year..."

"Oh no, no, no," said Santa Clause, "there's lot's to be done by morning, and what would Mrs.Clause say?"

"But Santa," she said slipping out of her robe, "just this once?"
"Oh all right," he said, "I'll never make it back up the chimney now anyway."

the rock doc
23-12-02, 01:05 PM
A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.

He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."

The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.

Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing - Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!
x(

Dutch Paul
16-01-03, 04:53 PM
KENNY THE ROOSTER

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk "I want you to pace yourself. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me, a lot of money; consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun, "the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says "Shhhh, they're getting closer!"

robert
16-01-03, 05:10 PM
THE DIARY OF AN IRISH MAN LIVING IN CANADA
"OUR FIRST WINTER "


DEC 20
It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years the wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.


DEC 24
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.


DEC 26
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish-grey.


JAN 1
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was broken.


JAN 5
Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of white ####e last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush that bastard snowplough came by twice today. Where's that bloody shovel

JAN 9
More f*cking snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater, which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered second degree burns on my hands. Lost all of my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car hit a f*cking deer on the way to casualty and was written off.


JAN 13
F*cking bastard white ####e just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little c*nts next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that carrot so far up the little pricks arse it'll take a good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the arsehole that drives the snowplough I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the b*stard hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael f*cking Schumacher and buries the f*cking driveway again.


JAN 17
16 more sodding inches of f*cking snow and f*cking ice and f*cking sleet and God knows what other white ####e fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice pick. Can't move my f*cking toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more f*cking snow forecast.

F*CK THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO DUBLIN



Robert
UK CRC Forum Admin

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robert
16-01-03, 05:35 PM
Mrs O'Brien comes to visit her son Seamus for 3 days in Dublin where he is studying. She finds out that her son lives with Vikki, a girl roomate. Mrs O'Brien couldn't help but notice how pretty Seamus's room-mate was. She suspects of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more
curious.

Reading his Mum's thoughts, Seamus volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just room-mates."

About a week later, Vikki came to Seamus saying,"Ever since your mother left, I've been unable to find the silver sugarbowl. You don't suppose she took it do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mam,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you left.

Love,
Seamus

Several days later, Seamus received an email from his Mam which read:

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love,
Mam.

Lesson of the day...

Don't Lie to Your Mother...especially if she is Irish.

Robert
UK CRC Forum Admin

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nbracken
16-01-03, 09:35 PM
THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2002

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

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Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Louise
19-01-03, 08:14 PM
"Joke of the day" would have to be...



*** A man and woman are driving ***



A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time.

As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, “PIG! ”

The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, “WITCH!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.

If only men would listen:P



Louise ;-) :*

robert
19-01-03, 08:46 PM
>If only men would listen:P

I'm sorry, did you say something? }( }( :P

>
>
>
>Louise ;-) :*
>


Robert
UK CRC Forum Admin

http://www.cobraclub.com/flags/UK.gif

Neil O
19-01-03, 09:51 PM
'Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men'

Bill says to Ben, 'Flobberlobberlobb.'

Ben replies, 'If you love me you'll swallow it!!'

Neil}( }(

Dutch Paul
19-01-03, 10:10 PM
x( x( x( x( x(

Just a thought

Paul

Miket
19-01-03, 10:42 PM
Neil

Never mind the beer, it sounds like you need your Dax urgently after that joke.

x( :-( :( ;-) ;) :o :D :7

Dutch Paul
22-01-03, 03:39 PM
A man goes into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The bar tender says, "What would you like Sir?" The Man says. "I'll have a pint of beer" He looks at the ostrich and says, "What will you have?" "I'll have a pint of beer" says the ostrich. He looks at the cat "What will you have?" Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying!" "That will be £12.65" says the bartender. So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £12.65.

The next day after work the man goes into the same bar. "What'll it be today" says the bartender "Double whisky on the rocks" says the man. He looks at the ostrich and says, "What will you have?" "I'll join you in a double whisky" says the ostrich He looks at the cat "What will you have?" Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying!" "That will be £21.95" says the bartender So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £21.95.

The next day after work the man goes into the same bar. "Excuse me" the bartender says, "I was just wondering why, no matter what the price, you always have the exact change in your pocket?" "Well," says the man "When my grandmother died she left me everything in her house and inside there was a lamp so I rubbed it and out popped a genie. It granted me three wishes so I asked that every time I wanted to buy something I would have the exact change in my pocket."

"That's brilliant" says the bartender "You'll never ever run out of money." "What else did you ask for?"

"A bird with long legs and a tight pussy..." :)


If it ain`t broke, don`t fix it!

Paul

Trigger
22-01-03, 08:17 PM
Can't remember where I found this one!

Dutch Paul
24-01-03, 04:49 PM
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the shepherd: "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"

The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies: "Okay."

The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."

The shepherd cheers, "That's correct, you can have your sheep." The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks at him and asks: "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"

The young man answers, "Yes, why not?" The shepherd says, "You are an IT consultant."

"How did you know?" asks the young man. "Very simple," answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don't understand anything about my business... Now can I have my dog back?"


:) :) :)

Just a thought

Paul

Louise
27-01-03, 07:05 PM
Monks Made a Mistake


One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls.

"You see, there are the originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls were copied from these."

"Can I see one?"

"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom--" All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees.

"What? What does it say?"

"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"



Louise :D

Louise
29-01-03, 07:26 PM
Nudist Colony


How can you tell there's a blind man in a nudist colony?

It isn't hard!



Louise }(

Dutch Paul
29-01-03, 07:37 PM
Q. Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?
A. The one who can carry 2 cups of coffee and nine doughnuts at the same time.

Q. Who is the most popular woman in a nudist colony?
A. The one who can eat the last doughnut.:)

Just a thought

Paul

SWP952
30-01-03, 08:39 AM
Not many people know that Land Rover attempted to market a computer. Why did they stop? They could not find a way to get it to leak oil!
:+ :+ :+
A Land Rover doesn't leak oil, it marks it's territory.

Cheers

Steve
Cobra & Land Rover Enthusiast!

Louise
31-01-03, 03:37 PM
>A penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that
the car's
>
> >oil-pressure light is on. He gets out looking and
sees oil dripping out
>
> >of the motor. He drives slowly and carefully to the
nearest town and
>
> >stops at the first gas station.
>
> >After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a
walk around town. He
>
> >sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in
Arizona, decides that
>
> >something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a
big dish of vanilla
>
> >ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he
makes a real mess
>
> >trying to eat with his little flippers. After
finishing his ice cream,
>
> >he goes back to the gas station and asks the
mechanic if he's found the
>
> >problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine and
says, "It looks like
>
> >you've blown a seal." "No, no," the penguin
replies, wiping his mouth,
>
> >"it's just ice cream."



Louise ;-)

Dutch Paul
31-01-03, 03:46 PM
A penguin walks into a bar, and asks the bartender if he has any plums. The bartender, confused, tells the penguin that no, his bar doesn't serve plums. The penguin thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the penguin returns, and again repeats his request for plums. Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve plums, has never served plums, and, furthermore, will never serve plums. The penguin, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the penguin returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: "Listen, penguin! This is a bar! We do not serve plums! If you ever ask for plums again, I will nail your stupid penguin beak to the bar!" The penguin is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Do you have any nails?'' Confused, the bartenders says "No."

"Good!" says the penguin. "Then do you have any plums?" Just a thought

Paul

Dutch Paul
31-01-03, 04:02 PM
The 7 dwarfs were walking down the street and found a magic lamp. They became very excited, with visions of all their wishes being fulfilled, and rushed to rub the lamp.When they told the genie what they expected, he explained, "No, you don't understand -- I'm not that kind of genie. I can't grant your wishes, but I can answer three questions for you. If you ask the right questions, you might be able to use the answers to obtain what you want."
First, Grumpy stepped forward and asked, "Oh great genie, are there any dwarf nuns in this state?"
The genie seemed rather surprised at this question, but proceeded to answer it -- "No, there aren't."
Grumpy stepped back, and Sleepy came forward. He asked the genie, "Are there any dwarf nuns in the entire country?"
Once again, the genie was surprised by the question, but again he answered, "No, there aren't."
Then Happy asked, "Are there any dwarf nuns in the entire world?" Again the genie answered "No." At this response, first Happy, and then all the other dwarfs started laughing. The genie could no longer control his curiosity, and begged them to tell him what was so funny about this.
In unison, six of the dwarfs shouted, "Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin............"

Just a thought

Paul

Miket
31-01-03, 04:04 PM
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: "Can I help, sir?" "No thanks," says the blind bloke. "Just looking."

A man gets on a train and sits next to a blonde reading a book called Sex Statistics. "Any good?", he asks. "Fascinating - American Indians have the widest penises, and Polishmen the longest. By the way, I'm Jane."
"Hi," he says. "I'm Tonto Palawlaski."

She said "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library."
I thought "That's a turn-up for the books."

The back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said "Do you earn a living doing that?" He said "Yes, this is my livelihood."

"I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"

Dutch Paul
31-01-03, 04:33 PM
One liners

Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Jesus loves you! It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

Jesus is coming! Look Busy.

My Wild Oats Have turned to Shredded Wheat!

Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

There's no future in time travel.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots.

Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For sale: parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

I have friends who swear they dream in color...It's just a pigment of their imagination.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.

On the other hand, you have different fingers

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

Bigamy: one wife too many.Monogamy: same thing

Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.

Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

Clones are people two.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.

Do not put statements in the negative form.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Friction can be a drag sometimes.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

I couldn't care less about apathy.

Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.


Just a thought

Paul

Miket
31-01-03, 04:41 PM
SORRY GUYS THIS ONE IS REALLY AWFULL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


There was a hedgehog who lost penis one day. So he went to
the wise owl to find out what happened. The owl said "You got into a fight last night.."
So the hedgehog went about the jungle asking the animals if he had
fought them last night. They all said no. So eventually he found a
big cat who had spines sticking out of his nose, four in number
"Ahaha" said the hedgehog "I must have fought you last night"
"Yes" said the big cat
"What happened to my penis" said they hedgehog?
"I bit it off and swallowed it" said the big cat
"But why?" said the hedgehog
"Ah well you see," said the big cat "I'm a four-point tool-eater Jaguar

Dutch Paul
31-01-03, 04:53 PM
x( x( x( x( x( x( x( x( x( x( x( x( x( x( x( x( x( x( x(

Dutch Paul
31-01-03, 05:17 PM
Mike, I can`t beat the cat and hedgehog but this is almost as bad

Gynecologist Visit

The couple left the gynecologist's office with the
wife in tears. They were just told that she could
never become pregnant. They would never have the
family they both desired so fervently.

Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them. "I
think I can help you," he said, handing them a card.

"Why are you masked?" the husband asked.

"Because the government has declared our activities
illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor
will take a scraping from your mouth and culture it.
In less than a year, we will have your baby for you."

Turning to her husband, the wife exclaimed "This is
the answer to our prayers!" Then she turned back to
thank the stranger but he was gone. "Who was that
masked man?" she asked her husband.

He answered, "That was ... the Clone Arranger."

Dutch Paul
06-02-03, 03:38 PM
A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin and, truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:

"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting... just anyting you want, you say. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want... 69!" More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want... Beef wif Broccori?"


Just a thought

Paul

Louise
07-02-03, 07:12 PM
One Chicken, One Road, Many Reasons



Why did the chicken cross the road?


KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good of man.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: That chicken knew nothing of its mission (ha ha ha) only that it would be a martyr.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and uccessfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road... it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

BILL CLINTON: I did not, and I repeat, did not have sexual relations with that chicken.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard working American.

L.A.P.D.: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

GEORGE W. BUSH: The chicken crossed the road because he was an evil-doer, and we smoked him out of his hole and got him on the run!


Louise :+ ;-)

paul
07-02-03, 08:31 PM
One day there was a salmon swimming it looked up and saw a fly about six inches from the surface. It said to itself if that fly drops six inches I'm going to have a good meal.
But the salmon did not see the bear.He said if that fly drops six inches the salmon will leap and catch the fly and I will grab the salmon and I will have a good meal.
but the bear did not see the hunter who was eating a cheese sandwich. Who said if that fly drops six inches the salmon will leap and get the fly the bear will grab the salmopn I will put down my cheese sandwich and pick up my rifle and shoot the bear and I will have a good meal.
But the the hunter did not see the mouse who said if that fly drops six inches the salmon will leap and get the fly the bear will catch the salmon the hunter will drop his cheese sandwich and pick up his rifle and shoot the bear. I will run out and grab that cheese sandwich and I will havwe a good meal.
But the mouse did not see the cat.
Who said if that fly drops six inches the salmon will leap and get the fly the bear will catch the salmon the hunter will drop his cheese sandwich and shoot the bear the mouse will run out and grap the cheese sandwich I will leap and grab the mouse and I will have a good meal.

So the fly dropped six inches the salmon leaped and grabbed the fly.
The bear grabbed the salmon.
The hunter dropped his cheese sandwich picked up his rifle and shot the bear.
The mouse ran out and grabbed the cheese sandwich.
The cat made a leap for the mouse and missed and ended up in the river.
So the moral of this story is

If a flie drops six inches then a pussy is going to get wet !!

Bluenose
08-02-03, 11:21 AM
Mick & Murphy were sitting in the bar quaffing some Guinness.
Mick produced a mirror, looked into it and exclaimed:

" I know that face!!"

Murphy grabbed the mirror from him, and looked in:

" It's me you daft b*****d!!!"

whitty121
08-02-03, 03:34 PM
Two bored casino croupiers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the men.


She then picked up all the money and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!"


Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men . . . are men.
{-} {-} {-}

Dutch Paul
08-02-03, 03:45 PM
A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he finally gets up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.

Saturday night the man arrives at her house with flowers and candy. To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you, though, they are both deaf mutes."

With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable, as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his armchair watching cricket on TV, and Mum is busy knitting.

After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mum jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a glass of water over her backside. Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye.

The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening.

The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room. At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?"

"No, its not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that weren't enough, your Father races from his chair, leans her over he couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match-stick by his eye."

"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The man can't believe her casual response. "Mum was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, f##k him - I'm watching the match.'

Just a thought

Paul

Dutch Paul
08-02-03, 03:47 PM
A guy walks into a pub with 5 of his mates. He goes up to the bar to order the first round and notices two bits of meat suspended from a rail 5 feet above the bar. He says to the barman "What's the story with those bits of meat above the bar",

The barman replies "it's a special challenge that we have on tonight. If you can jump up and kick those bits of meat then you and your mates can have free drink all night however, if you try it and fail then you have to buy everyone in the pub drinks all night".

The guy double checks with the barman "If I can jump up and kick those bits of meat then me and my 5 mates can have free bevy all night?" "That's right" replies the barman. "But if I try to do it and miss then I have to buy the whole pub drink all night".

"Correct again" replies the barman. So the guy looks up at the meat, looks down at the floor, back up at the meat, back down to the floor. "I think I'll leave it" he says.

"Why" says the barman. The man pauses for a moment and says "BECAUSE THE STEAKS ARE TOO HIGH."
x( x( x( x( x( x(

Just a thought

Paul

Dutch Paul
08-02-03, 03:52 PM
A man visited his doctor because he had a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consulted with the patient.

Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is pulling on your vocal cords, thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering."

Patient: "Ddddd octttor. Whhaaat cccan I dddo?" The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing that six inches from the penis, freeing him from this horrible problem.

The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment, as well as, loss of employment and that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his follow up.

Patient: "Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great new job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem My wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches?"

The doctor scratched his forehead, thought for a minute and said, "I dddoonnn't ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble."


Just a thought

Paul

Dutch Paul
11-02-03, 09:34 AM
Irreplaceaball...

A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus.

One day the wife ran off with the strong man.

The husband was extremely dejected. The clowns asked him what he was going to do?

The husband answered, "This is a disaster. I don't know where I'm going to find another woman of her calibre."

~~ ~~ ~~

Just a thought

Paul

Stopmeandbuy1
11-02-03, 07:16 PM
Man goes into a pet shop and says to the owner "i'd like to buy a wasp please", the owner, looking a little puzzled replies "i'm sorry sir but we dont sell wasps", the man replies "you've got one in the window?" &V

Dutch Paul
12-02-03, 08:35 AM
Check this out

http://www.flowgo.com/greetings/dirtybaby/dirtybaby.swf

Just a thought

Paul

Dutch Paul
12-02-03, 08:39 AM
GOLF

A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie." The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this. We just got 7 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and if you will come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today!"

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job." The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter, he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there! His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie! Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, The BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week!"

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please!" The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well, the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints." Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in their right mind could've complained about those robots? They were incredible!"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were shiny silver metal, and the glare from the machine was blinding to other golfers on the fairway." The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Three of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one was arrested for dealing drugs, and the other two robbed the pro shop!"



x( x(

Just a thought

Paul

Louise
14-02-03, 07:36 PM
AND GOD CREATED EVE.....
>
>
>
>
> >
> >
> > so much for the rib theory.
> >
> >
> > > In the beginning God created Eve. And she
had 3 breasts.
After
> three
> > > weeks
> > > >> in the garden, God came to visit Eve.
"How're things,
Eve?"
> He
> > > >> asked.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >> "It is all so beautiful, God," she
replied. "The
sunrises
and
> > > >> sunsets
> > are
> > > >> breathtaking, the smells, the sights,
everything is
wonderful
> but I
> > just
> > > >> have this one problem. It's these
three breasts you've
given
> me.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >> The middle one pushes the other two
out, and I am
constantly
> > > >> knocking
> > > them
> > > >> with my arms, catching them on
branches, snagging them
on
> bushes,
> > they're
> > > >a
> > > >> real pain," reported Eve.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >> "That's a fair point," replied God,
"but it was my
first
shot
> at
> > > >> that
> > you
> > > >> know. I gave the animals, what, six?
So I just figured
you'd
> need
> > > >> half,
> > > >but
> > > >> I see that you are right. I'll fix
that up right away!"
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >> So, God reaches down and removes the
middle breast,
tossing
> it into
> >
> > > >> the bushes.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >> Three weeks passed, and God once again
visited Eve in
the
> garden.
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >> "Well, Eve, how's my favourite
creation?" He asked.
"Just
> > > >> fantastic,"
> > she
> > > >> replied, "but for one small oversight
on your part. You
see,
> all
> > > >> the
> > > >animals
> > > >> are paired off. The ewe has her ram,
the cow has her
bull,
> all the
> > > animals
> > > >> have a mate, except me. I feel so
alone."
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >> God thought for a moment. "You know,
Eve, you're right.
How
> could I
> > have
> > > >> overlooked this! You do need a mate
and I will
immediately
> create
> > > >> Man
> > > from
> > > >a
> > > >> part of you!"
> > > >>
> > > >>
> > > >> "Now, let's see ....... where did I
put that useless
tit?"
> > > >>


Louise :7

Dutch Paul
14-02-03, 08:07 PM
OUCH x(

Just a thought

Paul

Louise
17-02-03, 03:55 PM
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?

One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.


Louise }(

Louise
24-02-03, 04:07 PM
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.

Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?

Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.

Interviewer: How did you get that hook?

Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.

Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?

Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.

Interviewer: And that put your eye out?

Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.


Louise :+

Louise
24-02-03, 04:09 PM
Norman and his blonde wife live in upstate New York.
One winter morning while listening to the radio, they
hear the
announcer
say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow
today. You must park
your
car on the even numbered side of the street, so the
snowplough can get
through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the
radio announcer
says,
"We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You
must park your car
on the
odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can
get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when
the radio
announcer
says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must
park..",
then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife says,
"Honey, I don't
know
what to do."
Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the
garage this time?"


Louise &V

Louise
26-02-03, 07:05 PM
A woman wearing a tight leather skirt


At a crowded and busy bus stop, a woman wearing a
tight leather skirt
was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was
her turn to get on,
she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow
her leg to come
up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this
would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she
still
couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once
again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for
the second time
attempted the step, and, once again, much to her
chagrin, she
could not raise her leg.

With little smile to the driver, she again reached
behind to unzip a
little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind
her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her
gently on the
top step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be
Samaritan and screamed,
"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you
are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I
would
agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three
times, I kinda
figured we was friends."


Louise

Dutch Paul
09-03-03, 06:16 PM
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in. One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!", he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.


As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Once again Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on ma'am".

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding his penis in his hand.
"Oh, God," said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"

Just a thought

Paul

Louise
16-03-03, 01:19 PM
The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.
Forest responds, "It sure is good to be here St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. sure hope the test isn't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter 'T?" Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?" Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd..."
"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure" Forest replied, "its Andy."
Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forest replied. "I learnt it from the song..."ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ."
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forest, run".


Louise :+

Vernon
18-03-03, 07:42 PM
The following is an actual advertisement in an Irish Newspaper..!
(Yea right!)

1985 Blue Volkswagen Golf
Only 15 km
Only first gear and reverse used
Never driven hard
Original tires
Original brakes
Original fuel and oil
Only 1 driver Owner
Wishing to sell due to employment lay-off
Please see Attached photo…..

M.Stockley
19-03-03, 10:35 AM
A Essex woodpecker and a Kent woodpecker were arguing about which county had the toughest trees. The Essex woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.The Kent woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Essex woodpecker was in awe.

The Kent woodpecker then challenged the Essex woodpecker to peck a tree in Kent that was absolutely un-peckable. The Essex woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to Kent, the Essex woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Kent woodpecker was able to peck the Essex tree and the Essex woodpecker was able to peck the Kent tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own county?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

Louise
24-03-03, 03:27 PM
Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to to his friend's advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"


Louise ;-) ;-)

whitty121
25-03-03, 12:02 AM
Keep Life in Perspective........

At age 4 .... success is .... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 .... success is .... having friends.
At age 17 .... success is .... having a drivers license.
At age 20 .... success is .... having sex.
At age 35 .... success is .... having money.
At age 50 .... success is .... having money.
At age 60 .... success is .... having sex.
At age 70 .... success is .... having a drivers license.
At age 75 .... success is .... having friends.
At age 80 .... success is .... not peeing in your pants.


mark{-} {-}

whitty121
25-03-03, 12:07 AM
A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and
put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the
handle.

Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified, and screamed, Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire.

You do whatever you have to".

mark {-} {-}

whitty121
25-03-03, 12:24 AM
A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But,I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Honourable Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me?you are my only hope."

The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, 'will you marry me?' When frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem." The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest.

He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."

The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter."WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great! But it's still too long at 20 inches, so i'll ask the frog to marry me again." "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"

The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter.

The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his
penis again,15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"

The frog looked back across the pond shaking its ead, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO and for the final time NO!!!

mark {-} {-} {-}

Dutch Paul
06-04-03, 07:56 PM
A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir."

"Correct, says the manager, now try this one." "That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He gets his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused, says the blind man, can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the shit house door off a tuna boat!"


Just a thought

Paul

Dutch Paul
06-04-03, 07:59 PM
A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph. He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases. "I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph. He says, "I want the car, too,"

But she just drives faster and faster. By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too." The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling. This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need. "Oh, really," he says, " so what have you got?" Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and says, "The airbag."

Never underestimate the intelligence of a woman!


Just a thought

Paul

Louise
12-04-03, 11:40 AM
For some time many of us have wondered just who is
Jack Schitt?

Well thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can respond
in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt,
the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of
Needeep N Schitt, Inc. They had one son Jack.

In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply
religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt,
Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins
Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Despite her parents objections, Deep Schitt married
Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being
married 15 years Jack and Noe Schitt divorce.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her
kids were living with them she wanted to keep her
previous name, she became known as Noe Schitt
Sherlock.

Meanwhile Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they
produced a son with rather nervous disposition named
Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva
Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and
subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual
ceremony. The wedding announcement in the local
newspaper announced the Schitt Happens nupitals. The
Schitt - Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Horse.

Bull Schitt left home to tour the world and recently
returned from Italy with his new Italian bride Pisa
Schitt.

Now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt",
you can correct them.

your sincerely,
Crock O Schitt. {-}

robert
12-04-03, 05:14 PM
>>your sincerely,
>Crock O Schitt. {-}

Love it.
{-} {-}

Question, if Mini Driver and one of the Schitts married, would their first child be Ima Schitt-Driver?

Louise
13-04-03, 01:15 PM
> > Subject: Snappy Answers
> >
> >
> > Snappy Answer #1
> >
> > A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate
to check tickets.
> > As a man approached, she extended her hand for the
ticket, and opened
his
> > trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she
said, "Sir, I
need
> > to see your ticket, not your stub."
> >
> > Snappy Answer #2
> >
> > A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the
grocery store, but
> > couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a
stock boy, "Do
> > these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied,
"No ma'am, they're
> > dead."
> >
> > Snappy Answer #3
> >
> > The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped
for speeding
pulled
> > down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day,"
the cop said. The
> > kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop
> > finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
> >
> >
> > Snappy Answer #4
> >
> > A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign
comes up that
> > reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge
is right ahead
of
> > him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed
up for miles.
> > Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his
car and walks
> > around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips
and says, "Got
> > stuck, heh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was
delivering this bridge
and
> > ran out of gas."
> >
> >
> > #5, THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
> >
> > A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final
exam. "Now
class,
> > won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might
> > consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury
or illness, or a
> > death in your immediate family but that's it, no other
excuses
> > whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room
raised his hand and
> > asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was
suffering from
complete
> > and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its
best to stifle
> > their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored,
the teacher
> > smiles sympathetically the student, shakes her head, and
sweetly says,
> > "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your
other hand."
> >
>

Louise &V

Dutch Paul
13-04-03, 02:51 PM
President George W. and Colin Powell are drinking in a pub close Old Town Square in Prague. A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour. What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says, "We're planning WW III," and the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 40 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits."

A little perplexed the guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?" Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about the 40 million Iraqis."


Just a thought

Paul

Dutch Paul
13-04-03, 02:56 PM
During a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable. I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's drop dead gorgeous. Tall, well built, with long flowing black hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this".


Just a thought

Paul

Louise
14-04-03, 09:55 PM
A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London

''Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a shortage due to the mad cow disease,'' says the waiter.

The Texan says, ''What's a shortage?''

The Russian says, ''What's a steak?''

The New Yorker says, ''What's excuse me?'' &V


Louise

Louise
15-04-03, 07:57 PM
A grandpa walks into a grandson's apartment and sees a condom on the table. 'What's this!?' demands the grandfather.
'It's a condom," replies the grandson sheepishly.

"What do you use it for?' asks Gramps.

The grandson is surprised that his grandpa really doesn't know what a condom is, and replies, 'I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."

To his surprise his grandpa says, "That's a great idea," and goes off to the drug store. He asks the pharmacist for a condom.

"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.

"Oh, big enough to fit a camel." ;)


Louise

Louise
17-04-03, 05:20 PM
What do Saddam Hussein and Fred Flintstone have in common?

When they look out of their window, they both see rubble.


Louise ;-)

Louise
18-04-03, 04:08 PM
>>The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the
>>train,
>>looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly
>>adjacent
>>to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little
>>dog.
>>
>>The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that
>>seat?"
>>
>>The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and
>>said,
>>"You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see
>>my
>>little Fife is using that seat?"
>>
>>The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but
>>after
>>another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again
>>facing
>>the
>>woman with the dog.
>>
>>Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
>>
>>The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not
>>only
>>are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
>>
>>The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the
>>little
>>dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the
>>empty
>>seat.
>>
>>The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her
>>and
>>chastise the soldier.
>>
>>An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know,
>>sir,
>>you
>>Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You
>>eat
>>holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the
>>wrong
>>side
>>of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the
>>window!"


Louise :tu

Dutch Paul
18-04-03, 04:42 PM
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."


Just a thought

Paul

Louise
23-04-03, 12:39 PM
A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.
He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."

So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.

When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren

...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.


Louise :tu

Louise
28-04-03, 04:08 PM
A young boy goes to his father and asks "What is politics?"
His dad says, "Well, son, let me explain it this way...I am the
breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she
is the administrator of the household, so we'll call her the
Government. We're here to take care of you, so we'll call you the
People. The nanny works hard all day for little money, so we'll
consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother we'll call him
the Future."
"Now think about that, son, and see if it makes any sense."

So the boy thinks about it as he is going to sleep.
In the middle of the night he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets

up to see what is wrong. He finds the baby has severely soiled his
diaper.
So he goes to his parents' room and finds his mother is sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her he goes to the nanny's room, but the door is
locked.
Peeping through the keyhole he sees his dad in bed with the nanny, so
he gives up and goes back to bed.

Next morning he tells his father that he thinks he understands the
concept of politics.
"Really?", says his dad, "That was quick. Tell me in your own words
what you think politics is about."

The young boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working
Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored,
and the Future is in deep shit."

Louise :P

Dutch Paul
29-04-03, 10:28 PM
A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies; No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes."


Just a thought

Paul

Dutch Paul
30-04-03, 12:09 PM
A farmer got a good deal on a dozen pigs at an auction. When he got them home he realized they were all females so he talked to his neighbor to see if he could bring his girls pigs over to meet with his boy pigs so this man could get some babies. The neighbor agreed and so the farmer loaded the girl pigs in his truck to visit the neighbors pigs.

That night he went back to pick them up and he asked his neighbor "How will I know if they are going to have little pigs?" The neighbor said that they would start acting real different and that he could just tell.

So next morning he went and checked his pigs and they were just acting normal so he took them back to the neighbors again. Next morning same thing no change so he took them back.

Next morning he was sitting at the table and he said to his wife "Honey, look out the window and see if the pigs are acting different."

She looked out the window and said "Well I don't know exactly how different you mean but 11 of them piggies are in the back of the truck and one is in the front honking the horn!"


Just a thought

Paul

Louise
30-04-03, 04:25 PM
Seek and Ye Shall Find...

On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in the driver's ear.
She said, ''Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!'' The driver didn't think much of her complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.

Later, that same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, ''Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!'' This time, he figured he'd better look into it.

A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to find out if they knew what was going on.

He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor beneath the seats and stooped down to question him. ''Excuse me sir, could I help you?''

The elderly man looked up and said, ''Well, sonny you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it..."

The man continued, "I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine is parted on the side!''


Louise :P

Louise
03-05-03, 09:46 PM
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“Quiet!” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say,”

“And I said be quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you, the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding so he’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the guy in the cell. “I’m the groom.”


-------------------------------------


Two bats are going for their midnight feed.
After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.

The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"

The second bat replies, "Follow me. I`ll show you."

After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"

The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"

Other bat says, "I didn't."


Louise

Louise
06-05-03, 12:45 PM
Four people are in an airplane: The President, the smartest man in the world, an old man and a young girl. The plane catches on fire and there are only three parachutes.

The president gets one and says " My country need me!" and jumps.

The smartest man in the world grabs one and and says " well, the world needs me as Im so smart!" and jumps.

One Parachute left and the old man says "You take it, my life is almost over anyway"

The little girl says "No, we both can jump!"

Confuesed the man asks, " How?" The Little girl says "The smartest man in the world took my back-pack!"


Louise :7

Louise
15-05-03, 11:16 AM
A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I''m only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can''t tell. I''m only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught so she marches over to inquire what is wrong.

"Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse she is undaunted. She whips back the bedclothes, pulls down his pajama trousers, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the bedclothes and announces, "Nothing is wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again,

"Are my test results back?"


Louise {-}

Dutch Paul
06-09-03, 05:26 PM
An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife." F*ck Off ! " she said, " they're for the funeral !


Just a thought

Paul

kirklillis
26-09-03, 04:33 PM
Tom, a rather shy batchelor, stops off at the paper shop on his way to work.

Behind the counter is a new girl--19 years old and with the biggest, firmest breasts he has ever seen.
"I'll have a Daily Mail, some chewing gum and twenty embassy Tits" he says........"NO..TIPS!..I meant Tips" he splutters.
She is embarrassed and he's embarrassed and he runs out of the shop leaving his goods behind.

When he gets to work his mate asks him..." Where's your paper Tom?"
Tom explains what happened that morning.

"Oh, don't worry about it" his mate says "It happens all the time"
"Does it" says Tom.

"Yeah," says his mate "I think its what they call a Freudian Slip.....in fact it happened to me this morning"

"I was sitting at the breakfast table with the wife and I meant to say.....
'could you pass the butter please darling'
but what I actually said was........
'You've ruined my life...You fat bitch!'"

Kirk

osgood
28-09-03, 10:06 AM
Contrary Mary