View Full Version : Crap Jokes

Dutch Paul
14-02-04, 07:27 PM
Two cows in a field,

One turns to the other and says,

"I'm a bit worried about this Mad Cow Disease!"

The other cow turns around and says,

"I'm not, I'm a duck!"

15-02-04, 07:17 PM
My joke is crapper that yours.........

"Incest" The new game from Waddingtons that the whole family can play.

Dutch Paul
15-02-04, 08:17 PM
Beat this..........

What`s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot{-}

15-02-04, 08:52 PM
What's yellow and clicks?

A ball point banana.

Dutch Paul
15-02-04, 09:30 PM
What`s got 2 legs and bleeds a lot?

Half a dog {-}

Purple AK
15-02-04, 10:43 PM
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab.

I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

18-02-04, 09:39 PM
Whats yellow, smells of bananas and sits at the bottom of a tree?

Monkey Sick

20-02-04, 09:41 AM
An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands.
> Jill, the Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his accent.
> Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the
> night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him. Although she is
> attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for the
> deed. Jill is traveling the world and because she is short of funds she
> agrees.
> The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of
> attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again
> for $200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was
> fantastic the night before - so she agrees.
> This goes on for 5 nights.
> On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders
> a beer and just goes and sits in the corner. Jill is disappointed and
> thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention.
> She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he
> tells her Melbourne. "So am I" she says. "What suburb in Melbourne."
> "Glen Iris" he says.
> "That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street?"
> "Cameo street" he says."
> "This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?"
> He says "Number 20" and she is astonished.
> "You are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm from number 22 and
> parents still live there!"
> "I know" he says "your father gave me $1,000 to give you!"
> He who drinks Australian - thinks Australian!

20-02-04, 09:43 AM

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his
orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of
the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, what
the camel was for. The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from
anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we
have the camel." The Captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I
guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6
months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant,
"Bring in the camel!" The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders and led the camel
into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to
have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the
stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the
enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use
it to ride into town"


20-02-04, 09:49 AM

1. Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

2. Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

3. There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.

4. Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.

5. What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in winter time he's got something to eat and he won't die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.

6. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

7. Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.

8. If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.

9. If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.

10. Never do today that which will become someone elses responsibility tomorrow.

11. If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

12. You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.

13. If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

14. Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

15. Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.

16. Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.

17. Statistics are like a lamp-post to a drunken man - more for leaning on than illumination.

18. A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone elses?

19. I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some git with a torch, bringing me more work.

20. Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.


Dutch Paul
27-02-04, 04:07 PM
The Key To Heaven

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

Dutch Paul
13-03-04, 02:18 PM
A German guy approaches a prostitute, "I vish to buy sex vit you" "OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 20 an hour" "Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky" "No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky"
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs" The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to Her elbows and knees "Now you vill get on your hans und knees" She duly does this, balancing on the springs "You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you" She find this odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying

The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time blowing on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath to say:

"That was totally amazing, where did you learn how to do that?"

"Ah" says the German "Four-sprung duck technique"

13-03-04, 02:51 PM
A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the

"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag."

"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and
see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.

"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.

"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.

"Have you been having unprotected nookie?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?"
asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood
transfusion?" queried the doctor.

"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"

"NO!I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor

"Your mother must have been a carrier".


Dutch Paul
18-03-04, 07:39 PM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into store to buy some supplies. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger said, "I do, Why?"

The cowboy said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was about to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and said, "I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to help cool him down." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and begins running circles around Silver.

Unable to do anything except wait the Lone Ranger returns to the store to finish buying their supplies. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the store and asks, "Who owns that big white horse out side?" The Lone Ranger stands and claims, I do, what's wrong with him this time? The cowboy looks him in the eye and says "Nothing,' but you left your Injun running'.