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Grease Monkey
05-08-04, 08:58 PM
THE RETROSEXUAL MAN

I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand it any more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, Redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui". Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transexual, metrosexual, non-sexual, blue, green, and purple-sexual.

Real men of the world, stand up, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture Wars, the Retrosexual movement.

The Code:

A Retrosexual man, no matter what the woman insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tyre, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you. If you are still having sex, you are a God.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need deodorant and shaving gear - that's it!!

A Retrosexual does not dress like a homeboy with baggy pants that look like he's shat himself, or with a gay chain from pocket to pocket. If wearing a hat, wear it correctly - not on the side like a faggot.

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

A Retrosexual does not let neighbours screw up rooms in his house on national TV.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a handbag carrying little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak BBQ accident, favourite sports team being moved to a different city, favourite dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie - and ONLY a Windsor knot.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting. This does not include males who have had cosmetic surgery.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can-or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you are.

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of those people or things that just need a little "wakin' up".

Crying. There are very few reasons that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part, or loss of major body part on your Holden ute.

When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you rude pricks" look on his face.

A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married / engaged or in a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance and drinking piss with the boys.

A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he bloody well wanted it to land. Except on his ute - that would happen because of a "force of nature", and then the retrosexual man's options are to Cry, or to DEAL WITH IT, or do both.

A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person.

Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract - a handshake is good enough.

A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT!

Miket
05-08-04, 09:15 PM
Here, here, can't agree more

Costs: 21,142.29 Retrosexual men don't complain about spending money on there toys, or fitting bonnet hinges. :finger: :thumb:
Pain in Wallet: Call the Paramedics
Hardest Bit: B**tard Hinges, sorry 'Bonnet Hinges'
Easiest bit: GD Flashlines, what flashline?!

chiffer
06-08-04, 08:25 AM
Ride on Grease Monkey, ride on

JamesP
06-08-04, 10:34 AM
Where do I sign up.

About time we stood up for ourselves and reversed this trend towards the feminine, don't get me wrong, girls should get the vote and not be discriminated against, some can do a job better than a man, just as some men shouldn't be allowed to work at all. But this movement has swung to far, it's not just an equal world now, its decidedly pro feminist.
I'd prefer that men were men, girls were girls and we just got on with it.

Enough said... a great list.

James

Paul B
06-08-04, 12:12 PM
Abso, Bloody, Lutely !!!!!

kdavies3
06-08-04, 03:36 PM
Count me in for the "old style" revolution. :thumb:
It really pee's me off when I see healthy young guys at work going off for months on because of stress 'cos their boss is a prat and got heavy with them. :mad:
Wasn't it always like that? yes but we dealt with it. :thumb:

tonym
06-08-04, 05:18 PM
The question on my mind is..Do real men use smilies?

kdavies3
06-08-04, 08:09 PM
Of course they do Tony. :finger: :finger: :finger: :rolleyes: