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simon
05-11-04, 09:27 AM
To the citizens of the United States of America,
>
>In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to
>govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
>independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
>will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other
>territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister
>(The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP (for the 97.85% of you who have until
>now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
>minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and
>the Senate will be disbanded.
>
>A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of
>you noticed.
>
>To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
>are introduced with immediate effect:
>
>1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
>look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
>just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
>reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
>'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to
>spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love
>affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix
>"ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix
>'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell
>Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
>Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
>"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
>noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
>form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more
>'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with
>bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop
>your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
>
>2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
>your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
>of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
>
>3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
>really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
>upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
>learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
>"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking
>about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
>England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
>Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
>Floridashire, Louisianashire.
>
>4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
>good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
>English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red
>Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
>audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
>incorrectness.
>
>5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
>but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
>confused and give up half way through.
>
>6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
>football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
>The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
>may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
>longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
>Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
>game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
>(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
>a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
>nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
>2006. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
>event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
>America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
>your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will
>be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball
>without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
>
>7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
>they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is
>a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
>have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You will no
>longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to
>own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.
>Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially
>dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable
>peeler in public.
>
>8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 3rd will be a new
>national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
>
>9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
>own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
>All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
>driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
>metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
>Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
>humour.
>
>10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
>are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
>97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are
>not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
>potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and
>fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which
>should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more
>aggressive with customers.
>
>11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
>tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
>doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
>
>12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
>beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will
>be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
>provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as
>"American Beer" will henceforth be refered to as "Near-Frozen Knat's
>Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company
>whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This
>will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in
>Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
>
>13. From November 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
>will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2004) prices with the
>former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
>the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
>gallon - get used to it).
>
>14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
>or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
>that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled
>by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
>someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
>handle a gun.
>
>15. You will hand over Mel Gibson to face charges of treason.
>
>16. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
>
>Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
>ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
>
>Thank you for your cooperation.

Purple AK
05-11-04, 06:18 PM
:d Rotflmao :d ;)

wilf
05-11-04, 07:53 PM
4 years old, and in case no-one noticed, Kerry gave up a couple of days ago!

Still, it was both applicable AND funny 4 years ago.

Purple AK
05-11-04, 08:09 PM
A. I wasnt on line 4 years ago!! And B. I coudnt give a Sh*t

I just happened to think it was funny Ok

MetaJacko
08-11-04, 10:41 AM
4 years old, and in case no-one noticed, Kerry gave up a couple of days ago!

Still, it was both applicable AND funny 4 years ago.
Same mistake as 4 years ago therefore just as relevent ;) :p