Heather Mills starts spending divorce money

[dingocooke]

Apparently she has already spent some of the £25million on a plane, but says she will carry on using Immac on the other leg....

[legend]

Sir Paul McCartney has written new lyrics for one of his old hits.

Will you still leave me, will you still blead me, when i'm 64.

[Dax SC]

She's gone on a spending spree!

[ryan]

After his bad experience with Heather Mills in the divorce courts, Paul McCartney was asked whether he would ever go down on one knee again, he replied that the comment was in bad taste and to kindly refer to Ms Mills by her proper name.

Ryan

[the rock doc]

£24.3 million, I bet she is not hopping mad anymore, just footloose & fancy free, she can now go for the Golden boot Award.

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long" She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped"

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will need all the support she can get. It's not like it’s easy to walk out on a relationship like this"

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her legless"

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I'm f---ed, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says "try Paul McCartney"


Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:

I lay upon a grassy bank

My hands were all a quiver

I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river



These jokes are funny but let’s spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has gone, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoe.

[Noel]

Very good

[How Much!!!]

Originally Posted by ryan

After his bad experience with Heather Mills in the divorce courts, Paul McCartney was asked whether he would ever go down on one knee again, he replied that the comment was in bad taste and to kindly refer to Ms Mills by her proper name.

Ryan

Below is a story that I had published in Motor Boat Monthly. Each month on the back page they published an embarrassing boating moment. The best storying winning a jetrib tender.
I did not win the jetrib, but the story was published.

My Embarrassing Boating Moment


Ok so lets qualify this right from the start, my ‘moment’ wasn’t in a real boat as such, but it did have a white GRP hull and an engine, and it certainly was embarrassing for me and amusing for those watching. Let me explain, having decided to move from the Midlands to the New Forest, I felt that we ought to have a boat, but my dearly beloved felt otherwise, so I sold my motorbike and bought a second hand sit down jetski. I bought it home and stuck it in the garage as it was getting late in the season and we were still living in that well-known nautical centre Birmingham. Also I did not yet have a wet suit, as this was to be my birthday present in November. Each weekend I would wheel the beastie out of the garage and dream of summer days zipping around the Solent and Poole Harbour.

Eventually impatience got the better of me. In a PCW magazine I read of a lake in Derbyshire that you could use for jet skiing, and in the October half term holidays, I hooked up the trailer filled the fuel tank and set off with my kids for sunny Derbyshire. After an uneventful journey we arrived, I paid my £10.00 and was told that we had the lake to ourselves, excellent we could learn to ski in relative safety.

After multiple reversing attempts I eventually ended up with the trailer wheels on the water’s edge of the slipway. Now remember I did not have a wetsuit, so I just rolled up my trouser legs, removed my socks and shoes and prepared to launch. I should perhaps point out that following a big motorcycle accident many years ago most of my upper right leg is paralysed and the lower half has been amputated, the significance of which will become apparent shortly. I lifted the trailer off the ball hitch dropped the jockey wheel and started to ease her into the water. What I didn’t notice was the grey/green slime on the slipway below the water level. My feet did though as I lost all grip. My son and daughter told me that the back flip was most spectacular, but not nearly as funny as the sight of my false leg gracefully arcing through the air out into the middle of the lake. I of course let go of the trailer, which rolled down the slipway and dropped off the 6 inch ledge at it’s base, coming to rest with it’s nose pointing vertically just out of the water.

This however was of little concern for the moment as the ski was now floating off in the opposite direction to my leg. So off I set fully clothed on a cold October day, I was wearing my buoyancy aid, to retrieve my leg and ski. I got to the ski first, did my first deep water boarding and prepared to zip off and rescue my leg, the ski’s keys however were still in my car!!! So it was off the ski swim with it to my leg then swim with the ski back to the slip and two giggling children.


My son held the rope securing the ski whilst I tried to get the trailer back on the slipway, but the slime again got the better of me and over I went for another dunking. At this moment the lake owner happened by on his aged tractor, he eyed my dripping countenance with the slightest hint of a smirk playing at the corners of his mouth. “Do you want a hand? By the way you need to watch yourself the concrete gets a bit slippery this time of year.” It was only the presence of my two kids and a desperate desire to rescue my sunken trailer that stopped me from saying what was welling up inside, instead what came out was “That would be great thank you very much!!!”


A true story, also the last time I came off a bike my leg came off, a woman stopped to help, but fainted when she saw my empty trouser leg!!! When I was a teacher I used to freak the kids out by sticking compasses in my leg and walking roud the class with it stuck in.

Andy

[dingocooke]

brilliant story Andy, especially like the compass stunt; bet that got the kids going euwww

[How Much!!!]

Originally Posted by dingocooke

brilliant story Andy, especially like the compass stunt; bet that got the kids going euwww

An even better one was when I switched to a new syle leg that cannot come off until you press the release button. I used to sit with my feet on the desk, press the release button then rotated the leg through 360 degrees. That really did get the kids going EUWW.

Oh the fun you can have after having a lopitoff-a-me. I first realised the potential a few days aftr the amputation, I was sat in bed in hospital when a young lad arrived at the bed next to my I was lying on top of the bed with my bandaged stump clearly visible. I asked him what he was in for and he said rather embarrassed, "I have to have a circumcision". An oportunity too good to be missed, I said "I hope that you don't get my sugeon" he asked why and I said "Well I came in with an ingrowing toe nail" The look on his face was priceless as he rapidly started to pack his bag.

I got a real rollocking from the ward staff nurse for that one.

Andy

[Miket]

Originally Posted by How Much!!!

An even better one was when I switched to a new syle leg that cannot come off until you press the release button. I used to sit with my feet on the desk, press the release button then rotated the leg through 360 degrees. That really did get the kids going EUWW.

Oh the fun you can have after having a lopitoff-a-me. I first realised the potential a few days aftr the amputation, I was sat in bed in hospital when a young lad arrived at the bed next to my I was lying on top of the bed with my bandaged stump clearly visible. I asked him what he was in for and he said rather embarrassed, "I have to have a circumcision". An oportunity too good to be missed, I said "I hope that you don't get my sugeon" he asked why and I said "Well I came in with an ingrowing toe nail" The look on his face was priceless as he rapidly started to pack his bag.

I got a real rollocking from the ward staff nurse for that one.

Andy

Brilliant, good you can crack a joke about your accident.