Crap Jokes

[Dutch Paul]

Two cows in a field,

One turns to the other and says,

"I'm a bit worried about this Mad Cow Disease!"

The other cow turns around and says,

"I'm not, I'm a duck!"

[dave]

My joke is crapper that yours.........

"Incest" The new game from Waddingtons that the whole family can play.

[Dutch Paul]

Beat this..........

What`s orange and sounds like a parrot?











































A carrot{-}

[dave]

What's yellow and clicks?







































A ball point banana.

[Dutch Paul]

What`s got 2 legs and bleeds a lot?









































Half a dog {-}

[Purple AK]

Taxi:
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab.











































I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

[mclark]

Whats yellow, smells of bananas and sits at the bottom of a tree?



























Monkey Sick

[BILKO]

An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands.
>
> Jill, the Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his accent.
>
> Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the
> night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him. Although she is
>
> attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for the
> deed. Jill is traveling the world and because she is short of funds she
> agrees.
>
> The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of
> attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again
> for $200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was
> fantastic the night before - so she agrees.
>
> This goes on for 5 nights.
>
> On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders
> a beer and just goes and sits in the corner. Jill is disappointed and
> thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention.
>
> She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he
> tells her Melbourne. "So am I" she says. "What suburb in Melbourne."
> "Glen Iris" he says.
> "That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street?"
> "Cameo street" he says."
> "This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?"
> He says "Number 20" and she is astonished.
> "You are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm from number 22 and
> parents still live there!"
> "I know" he says "your father gave me $1,000 to give you!"
>
> He who drinks Australian - thinks Australian!
>
BILKO

[BILKO]

AN OLDIE BUT GOODIE

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his
orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of
the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, what
the camel was for. The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from
anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we
have the camel." The Captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I
guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6
months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant,
"Bring in the camel!" The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders and led the camel
into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to
have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the
stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the
enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use
it to ride into town"

BILKO

[BILKO]

OFFICE WISDOM

1. Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

2. Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

3. There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.

4. Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.

5. What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in winter time he's got something to eat and he won't die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.

6. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

7. Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.

8. If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.

9. If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.

10. Never do today that which will become someone elses responsibility tomorrow.

11. If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

12. You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.

13. If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

14. Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

15. Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.

16. Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.

17. Statistics are like a lamp-post to a drunken man - more for leaning on than illumination.

18. A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone elses?

19. I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some git with a torch, bringing me more work.

20. Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.

BILKO